John Evans' Blog

Social anxiety

by on Aug.24, 2007, under Uncategorized

So, I felt like posting something a bit more serious than I usually post here. For some of you, who might have known me a while, this may shed more light on some things I’ve done…or not. I tend to assume everyone always understands everything, but I’ve learned that’s not always correct…

I suffer from social anxiety. The way I’ve come to understand this condition is that…Humans have an instinctive capability to fit themselves into a social hierarchy with other humans above and below them. Note that I said instinctive, this is a capability provided by the unconscious depths of the brain. It’s something monkeys do. Usually it’s not even something you notice.

That part of my brain is somehow glitched, always coming back with the same answer: My position is inferior to that of other people.

Obviously, this has disadvantages. Just as an example, it’s hard to buy groceries if you think a cashier is sneering at you! Like I said, that’s obvious and I don’t feel like going through all the depressing implications right now.

One curious fact is that there are slight advantages. For example, if I know that I’m inferior to someone, I know that they don’t care what I think. I know that I can’t insult someone, because they don’t give my words any weight. Because I can’t emotionally hurt people, I don’t really have any responsibility for their feelings. The only thing I’m responsible for is myself…they may yell at me or treat me badly, but then that’s always a possibility.

Not that I go around yelling at people; just the opposite, in fact. The few times I’ve tried to insult or argue with someone…it was either because I was completely sure of my position, or because I was just too angry to care. And it was usually with less anger than resignation…after all, it wasn’t going to have any effect.

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1 comment for this entry:
  1. angeldemonwoman

    You think that it doesn’t matter what you say at all… You think it. I don’t get why. I can’t begin to tell you exactly how much a few of the things you’ve once said hurt, just because you *thought* that it didn’t matter.
    But it does matter…

    I dunno. Did you ever see a counselor about this at all? And don’t bring up that they make you feel inferior, because they make everyone feel inferior. I hate it.

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