John Evans' Blog

Changes

by on Mar.24, 2009, under Uncategorized

A month or two ago I was going through old CDs and I decided to put on the Phantasy Star Online soundtrack. I hadn’t listened to it in a while, and when I did…it startled me. I believe I got PSO soon after it was released, which according to Wikipedia was November 2000. I played it often for several months. (Only single player, really.)

November 2000 was a time in my life when I was trying desperately to finish college. I was sick of it and I wanted to do something else; I wanted to graduate, but my social anxiety was making it hard. I was living alone in an apartment in Cambridge, walking to and from school most days. I was seeing a psychotherapist, and he was great, but he wasn’t a cure-all. The stress in my life had triggered a certain amount of depression as well. I still had a ways to go in figuring out how to manage my life and my mind.

When I listened to that soundtrack, I remembered that time. I suddenly felt lonely. It was startling how intense the sensation was…and how I didn’t remember being that lonely at the time (probably because I was kind of messed up).

I don’t like feeling lonely. I don’t want to feel lonely. So, tomorrow I am going to visit midomi. And I am bringing her back to move in with me.

I don’t feel lonely now. Somehow I feel…confident.

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4 comments for this entry:
  1. ardweden

    Good luck, dude. 🙂

    I hear you on the social anxiety thing. I mean, of course I do! I’ve found it doesn’t ever really go away. But you’ve got a good handle on it now, you’ve got a sweet girlfriend, and everything will be awesome. And – trust me – having another person around for support on those bad phobia days (as I call them) is exceedingly helpful.

    Moving in’s a big step, but it’s got to be done eventually. You should feel confident. ;P Let me know how it goes.

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